My memories of being a mother are filled with moments of self-pity. No, when my mother is alive, she does not go beyond selfishness. Given all the opinions about what’s best for kids, it’s easy to question your decisions. From the mundane to the “big decisions” that seem big, it’s easy to slip into emotions that shouldn’t be questioned.
My client spent some time talking to me about the fact that she and her son and husband did not have a tradition of eating together. It made sense for her family and their schedule for her son to eat before her husband came home, yet almost every day she had doubts about whether that was really right. Turns out it was okay, as he is now a handsome young man and they are very close. It seems silly in retrospect that we would hang on to things like this but it’s easy to do. How do we know it will be okay?
Magazines, newspapers, and websites often produce stories based on research findings that show how a certain action or behavior is associated with a certain outcome, even if there is no definitive evidence that it was the cause of the outcome. The best test of how well something works in your family is how well it works in your family, over time!
How nice it would be to have a crystal ball to know for sure that any given choice will be the “right decision,” and that everything will turn out well. The mind can blow things out of proportion and make the risks to their growth and well-being seem greater. In our clinging to certainty and our fear of our doubt, we may create a lot of suffering to choose from. It helps to gently remind yourself that children are resilient and that you can be too. You can always make a new choice after seeing the result.
Where Fear Exists
Like doubt, fear is another major topic in parenting. From the series of news reports about terrible things happening to children, mass shootings, extreme weather events, wars, etc., there is a lot to focus on in horror. Add to that “time travel” in the mind, thoughts of what might or might not be, and that is the suffering of choosing to be a mother. Mindfulness, especially the regular practice of paying attention to thoughts and feelings, can help you get out of autopilot to see if you are really suffering needlessly.
You can shift the focus of your mind at any time. Fear is not a sign that the feared outcome will occur. Trying to think about how to deal with something you fear that isn’t happening right now is a waste of energy and can lead to self-destruction. My favorite words, “For now,” and “I’m just here, now,” really help me get out of my mind and back into the path of life. If you find yourself trying to “think away,” you must choose to reorient your mind to the present, have what is right in front of you and let the fear fade into the background. It may appear again, and you can concentrate again.
I have come to understand that when fear is there, I have to dig deep to get to what I value. I don’t need to overcome fear to get through it.
I have come to understand that when fear is there, I have to dig deep to get to what I value. I don’t need to overcome fear to get through it. I may decide to dig deeper though, talking to myself in a positive way along the way.
Revealing Your Courage
Being bold or courageous is often described as fearless. Motherhood takes courage from the start. We can go into it with great ideas, but soon we realize how much we have to deal with that is scary or scary. As a reminder, it helps to stop and notice where you were brave. Acknowledging your fear and doing things anyway helps boost your confidence.
My client was worried about whether she would be brave enough to help her four-year-old daughter through surgery and an overnight hospital stay. He realized that he often took his fearful thoughts to mean that he would not be brave. They were some kind of bad omen. If he thinks these things now, how could he do it?
Anticipation anxiety can depress any of us.
He also felt bad for himself for being afraid of them. I encouraged her to reassure herself, when she saw fear, by saying, “This is really hard. It’s okay.” She found it really helpful to admit that simple truth, rather than blaming herself as a bad mother for all the fears and bad thoughts. No one wants to go through hard things, and there are many hard things. It’s really okay to admit it.
Choosing to Be Brave
I will always remember one of the most profound moments when I decided to be brave; where I can prove that I can be brave. I was just taking a shower with my toddler son when I heard my little daughter fall in the other room. I ran to see him and found that he had fallen and torn his chin. Blood was everywhere and I was terrified. Here is one of the times as a mother I was afraid I would never get there in the end. I panicked.
Despite the urge to cry and run the other way, I comforted and cleaned her anyway. After calling the pediatrician’s office who recommended I take him to the emergency room to see if he needed stitches, I called my husband and told him to drop everything and come home. I told my husband he was going to the ER with him!
We can repeatedly choose to turn to what we want for ourselves or our child, regardless of how the mind reacts first.
It dawned on me after a few minutes of hanging up on him that I want my children to see me as strong. I wondered what kind of message I would be sending my daughter, who leans on me and comforts me, if I took her with her father who had just come home from a long day. Of course, it wouldn’t hurt him, but I noticed here is an opportunity.
So, as scared as I was, I asked my husband to stay with our son and took him to the ER. A few stitches and a few hours later we were back home and doing well. Courage and confidence are not something you either have or don’t have. Remember the growth mindset. We can repeatedly choose to turn to what we want for ourselves or our child, regardless of how the mind reacts first.
When we combine such moments, those decisions lead to courage and confidence. Another gift of motherhood! Where I once ran away, I controlled my fear of spiders, bees, and snakes! Motherhood can show us how brave we can be.
Excerpt reproduced with permission from the author Right Now: A Guide for Moms Who Want to Enjoy Parenthood, Raise Great Kids, and Succeed! by Elizabeth Torres, Psy.D. ABPP. (2019).
Children’s Mindfulness
When we teach children to pay attention, we equip them with the tools to build confidence, manage stress, and face challenges with skill. Check out our guide on how to introduce mindfulness and meditation to your kids—at any age. Read more
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